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Recap… June 22, 2009

Posted by tonightwillfall in Ramble.
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Dear Mr. and Mrs. The Boy’s parents,

I’ve made it back, and unscathed. Coming back I realize I have a better understanding on the place where I was born and a better perspective on family.

Utah is the kind of place where people are used to family being in their personal space. Due to everyone being used to this, there is a lack of personal space for strangers. There are 5 super Wal-Marts in a 5 mile radius of each other. All the “night clubs” are more like sports bars that tried to leap towards being a night club…and failed. But the scenery is beautiful! I can honestly say that the only reason I would move back would be because of my family. That would be if I ever chose to go back…which isn’t likely. The vibe is just different. Everyone in the Bay Area is laid back and I’ve gotten pretty used to that. Not to mention I would probably be an out numbered liberal.

As for family. Oh family…. we are the only like minded crazy people that will ever understand eachother, but I’ll be damned if there isn’t a whole lot of love there. I realized that I missed out on a lot of close bonding with my cousins that my siblings had. While it made me a little sad, it just made me understand just what a different path I have in life. I was never meant to be apart of the crowd. At least not that crowd.

All in all, I give the trip a 7/10. The food was really good. No state does good comfort food like Utah.

Travel… June 12, 2009

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Dear Mr. and Mrs. the boy’s parents,

I’m writing to you today from the place of my spawning. Good ol’ Utah. Mormon country. I was here last year for a funeral. That trip was the first time I’d been back in at least 5 years. Luckily I am back this time to celebrate a birthday. I’ve been trying to examine my thoughts and feelings on being back.

Without a doubt, the SLC has changed quite a bit in the last few years and I think as a result of such change, the friendliness that was shown towards outsiders has changed drastically. Or at least that was my experience last year. While making casual conversation with a store clerk last year, the moment I mentioned I was out of state, she clammed up as though a stick had been shoved up her rear at that very moment. When you walk down the street and merely smile at someone and say “Hello”, it is not uncommon to be met with a look of uncertainty and an expression that says “Do I know you?”

I can go on and on about it, but the main point is that I am in a different environment. I am out of my element…

… I am looking forward to seeing my family through my now older eyes and having experienced a bit of the world for myself. On the other hand, I know that things I was oblivious to as a child will now be more obvious to me. Oh family demons, we all have them, but how we handle them is what really matters.

Cross your fingers, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Over and out,

Twiffles

Dream dream dream… June 5, 2009

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Dear Mr. and Mrs. The boy’s parents,

I fear I’ve been having a touch of anxiety lately. So in an attempt to explore that further, this post may be on the heavy side. You may want to stop reading here

So it started two nights ago with the first dream. I’d dreamt that following the doctor visit that I’d just had, that she had referred me to be seen by the oncologist
that I work for. My appointment was for the first time slot of the next day. I fretted terribly as I had no idea as to why I’d been not only referred, but so urgently.
As the dream continued at one point I was in the shower and trying to steady myself against the wall and the next thing I knew, I’d passed out and fell. When I came to,
I was afraid, but didn’t tell anyone. As soon as I had confirmed with the front desk that he indeed wanted to see me A.S.A.P. I burst into tears and had admitted that I
had passed out in the shower. I woke up before the initial visit, but I recall fearing that it might have been a brain tumor.

When I woke up and realized that it was just a dream, my heart still sank. Everyday, when people walk into our office, especially new patients, they come in with that
same fear, worry and dread. I came in to work wanting to be as professional as I could and as kind as possible so that maybe I could provide at least a little comfort,
or even just a smiling face. I had a whole new respect for my job that day, unfortunately, the anxiety of the dream stayed behind.

Before I get to the second dream, I had an unpleasant hair cutting experience yesterday and was rather upset over it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that added to things.

Right, next dream.

I’m in my house and I look next door and I see a couple moving in. I realize that it is a boy whom I’d had a crush on in my freshman year (he was a senior.) In reality, this
individual had treated me rather poorly as opposed to just saying “I’m not interested.” I still have resentment. Mostly from the way I had be treated. In the dream they’d just had
a baby and he was very content and happy while I was pacing back and forth with bewilderment. I didn’t know what to do and his being so close to an area that I considered my personal
space, let alone being happy. I don’t recall much more than that, but again, the feeling stayed behind.

It’s all left me just wanting to stay in bed. I have the sense of worry, but if you asked me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what I was worried about. Yeah, I don’t like my haircut, but I’ll get over it.
There are some other things that I don’t like, but would rather not share. Yet, there seems to be no link between any of those things and the dreams. However, I’m still left with the feelings of both.
This didn’t go as far depth as I wanted it to….but I don’t want to continue on.

Maybe I’ll feel better once I go hide under a blanket.

Win?… June 2, 2009

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Dear Mr. and Mrs. The Boy’s parents,

Once upon a time ago, I was engaged and in a rather tumultuous relationship. On and off for three years it went until one day I opened my young and naive eyes and realized that I just couldn’t do it anymore. At that point the ex and I were approaching what would have been our third attempt to make our relationship work.

Now, we didn’t work for various reasons. Those being 1) He really wasn’t that great of a boyfriend 2) I was young and inexperienced… and I guess we were both kind of broken and lost people just looking for another human connection. Who knows, I’ve never really thought about why we were together for that long and why. It didn’t matter how many tiffs we had, he could never go more than two weeks without talking to me. Even after the fight that forever changed our relationship for me, he still came along two weeks later as if nothing had happened. Fast forward to after we are done. I’m doing my single thing, he meets another girl, dates for about 6 months and they decide to get married.

Now, of course this threw me off and I predicted failure (not as a jealous bitter ex, but knowing the kind of person the ex is.) The day rolls around, they get married, and three months later they divorce. I’d kind of been dreading this for my own selfish reason of “I don’t want to deal with this if he starts messaging me again.” For a few months I was in the clear and then came the day two weeks ago when a message from you know who came up in my message box.

I stopped and thought for a moment before I opened it up. Here it is, a few years later. After a rough 2 years of single life, trying to work through complexes from this relationship, and just growing, I am in a stable, healthy and happy relationship. It almost felt like an intrusion just seeing a message from the ex, in my inbox.

It was the typical blah blah blah how are you drop me a line. I was going to ignore it, but I figured, what the hell, I’ll respond keeping him at a 10 foot pole’s length. As our correspondence continued he mentioned that he’d been “aggressively looking for work” and “living off of his savings” and things that I could have only dreamed of him doing while we were together. And then he got to the point.

The Ex: “so i hear that you got your self a new guy. i hope hes treating you well, and that your happy. anyway its good to hear from you and i’ll talk to you later.”

Me: “Funny how news travels, did you hear that from *****? But yeah, I do and things are good. I’m a lucky girl.”

He hasn’t responded since. The feeling that I am taking from this is sort of how I felt when I first saw A New Hope. The Deathstar is in firing position, almost all of the rebel’s fighters are gone and Luke Skywalker has turned his targeting computer off.

Cue to Luke in the trench run.

He closes his eyes and uses the force (with the help of Obi-wan) and then Luke fires the two fateful proton torpedoes into the Death Star’s exhaust port.

Yes, my friends. That final message was like destroying the Death Star.

Fuck yeah,

Twiffles

People in the parking lot… June 1, 2009

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Dear Mr. and Mrs. The boy’s parents,

In my attempts to get into shape, I’m currently trying out a trial membership at a new gym. I’m still feeling out this new place. Nice big facility, a lot of equipment, and most importantly, low fees.

After 2 1/2 – 3 weeks of not working out, I’d figured I should at least pull myself back onto the wagon before dropping off and being left for dead altogether.

After having a pretty decent workout I sat in the car for a moment, engine turned, and gathering thoughts before leaving. I buckle my seat belt, check my rear view and start to back out.

I should explain something here. The parking lot I am in is huge. There are at least 20 angled spaces running along the gym. I’m at the end of the gym, rather far away from the entrance.

As I back out, I hear “Excuse me!” I stop and look around and out of the corner I see a woman in a brown hounds tooth coat and magenta purplish lipstick. She says that I need to look before I back out.

I stop for a moment and apologize in bewilderment. While I was looking, clearly she was not only in a blind spot, but last I checked, people moved when they noticed cars coming towards them.

Of all the cars in the parking lot, you continued to walk towards the one that was backing out. Common sense has eluded us yet again.

Try not to get hit by cars,

Twiffles

Intro… June 1, 2009

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Dear Mr. and Mrs. The boy’s parents,

Hello! TWF here, but you can call me Twiffles. I’m starting this blog to do just some general rants, raves and rambling that hopefully won’t come across as a whiny imitation of LJ. Not that I don’t enjoy LJ from time to time, but let’s face it, most people write there to get out bad feelings and rants and it just gets all :(.

That’s just no bueno.

A note on the title, last week I was writing a thank you note to the boy’s parents. Since I am rather new to the whole thank you note process, I did what any nerd does, I turned to the internet. More specifically, a forum of friends. A thread was spawned into jokes of “Dear Mr. and Mrs. The boy’s parents…” I figured it was a good intro, so yes, here it is.

Enjoy!